I stole this from Andy who stole it from Lez. If you'd fill it out I'd greatly Appreciate it. Thanks, you wonderful jerks.

WHAT IF....


» I committed suicide:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:


WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:


» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Face:
» Hair:
» Clothes:


[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Are we close?
[13] Emotionally, what stands out?
[14] Do you wish I was cooler?
[15] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[16] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[17] Am I loveable?
[18] How long have you known me?
[19] Describe me in one word.
[20] What was your first impression?
[21] Do you still think that way about me now?
[22] What do you think my weakness is?
[23] Do you think I'll get married?
[24] What about me makes you happy?
[25] What about me makes you sad?
[26] What reminds you of me?
[27] What's something you would change about me?
[28] How well do you know me?
[29] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[30] Do you think I would kill someone?
[31] Are you going to put this on your xanga and see what I say about you?
[32] How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

The New York police officers that shot and killed African immigrant, Amadou Diallo were forced to undergo retraining. Since the innocent man was hit by 19 bullets, it was decided that firing range practice would not be the focus of the cops' training. Instead, they will have to take a strenuous object recognition class. In it, they will be shown a number of household objects, and they are to decide whether they are a gun or not a gun. This course is similar to the game played with infants when learning to speak. After two brutal hours of this, the police will be reissued their drool bibs and weapons, and sent back to work protecting the streets.

A spokesman for the police said, "Ow! Fuck!" after one of the officers he represents accidentally shot him in the knee. The officer was then sent back to retraining where sources say he almost learned to read.

Scientists have found another problem that needs our attention. Pandas aren't reproducing. We've tried everything from humilating front page articles about their impotence to destroying their habitat, and nothing's working. That's when one creepy creepy man, Zhang Hemin, came up with a solution. He shows videos of pandas humping to pandas in captivity. Finally-- panda porn that won't get you arrested.
Zhang Hemin is not some guy who climbed over the zoo fence with a camcorder and some lubricant. He's the director of China Giant Panda Research and Conservation Center. That's not a typo, all the words are smashed together in the wrong order because the place is in a different country. Just be happy it's not called Joy Cannon Panda Hump House. Zhang recently gave a long, disgusting explanation of the videos on ABC News.

Now, I've compiled some excerpts from the interview and created a piece in which Zhang's points are contrasted with my counter-points. This should be fun.

Zhang's words are first -- the Point. He is supposedly an expert on pandas and their sexual acts. On the second is my Counterpoint. I have no formal panda training, but as a kid watched a cartoon where pandas from space could merge together to form a larger, more powerful panda.

"With their natural habitats diminishing, pandas in captivity face a sexual crisis." I'd face a sexual crisis too if I had to fuck next to a group of six year olds buying a sno-cone.

"During mating season in the wild, young pandas watch the adults fight for their partners and perform copulation. That’s how they learn all about producing offspring." Kids and pandas, do not listen to Zhang. Watch your parents when you want to learn how to build a fence, start the barbecue, or shoot heroin. Do not watch them when you want to learn how to have sex. It'll just be one more nasty thing you're going to end up telling to a therapist. I don't get why they're trying to hard to keep the pandas around anyway, when a midget in a panda suit is superior in every way.

"As part of the pandas’ education, we make those which are sexually inept watch videos of other pandas having sex." In my health class, we were lucky to see a bra. I think there was a reason for that. Look at what you're doing, you're taking away the beauty of sex for them. How are they supposed to enjoy mating while you freaks are standing around them with notebooks and labcoats? Don't turn humping into a clinic. If something ends up seeming too much like class, we won't do it anymore. It's why you go pay hookers to have sex with you, but you never pay math professors to show you flash cards.

"Pandas get stressed up when the environment is not conducive. It may be because they feel claustrophobic when the cage is too small, the walls are too high or the temperature is just not right." Maybe it's not just the logging and poaching that endangered the panda. If they refuse to have sex because it's a little bit too warm, or the trees are too nearby, it's going to take a lot more than some stuffy medical porno to get them breeding again. Make some of that bamboo into moonshine or something. Nobody's going to hump an ass the size of a panda's without a toxic amount of liquor in them.

"Sometimes we let them watch others copulating, and then let them watch the videos one or two days after." Right, if the pandas go on the paper, they get a lapdance, and if they do a trick, they get their choice of swimsuit video or vibrating toy. If it's a special trick, they get to pick a video from the girl panda on girl panda section. Is Zhang the only panda doctor in the world? Shouldn't he have a colleague or someone that's there to check his references? "Let's see here... it says here you never went to medical school, ran an adult video store, and were arrested for fucking a horse. Could you give me that labcoat back? I really don't think there's a place for you here at the panda research center."

"Some females are picky about the males and that’s nothing we can do about it. We have a sperm bank storing sperm from 15 pandas and we’ll use artificial methods." When Zhang said "artificial methods," you know he was looking lovingly at a box of latex gloves. I can understand how the female pandas can get picky. There are only like 1000 pandas left in the world; gossip spreads fast. Those girls don't even have to go to the nail salon to get every dirty secret about the men. When a male panda sleeps with a girl, the next day every single one of them knows what kind of grunts he makes, how much hair is on his back, and exactly how sexually inept he gets when he's feeling claustrophobic or a little bit warm.

As of late I've descided to trade in my views of sex as a holy act that should be preserved for the rite of marriage, for a view that involves much permiscuity, random making out, and the all inclusive chance of waking up with my underpants 30 meters away and not knowing how they got there and why they arent on me. I've descided that abstinence is stupid. And now I have a valid  reason to think so: Now not only does abstinence mean you dont get laid, but you're still suseptable to dangerous STDs. So remind me, what are the positive aspects of abstinence?

The trend in modern sexually-repressed conservative America these days, is to brainwash teenagers into proudly pledging abstinence, vowing to preserve their precious virginity for that special day where they’ll tie the knot… or get invited by the priest to join one of his exclusive, altar-boys-only, mass after-party…

In effect, promising to keep doing what they’d be doing anyway. That is: not getting any, for the entire duration of their ungrateful puberty phase.

After all, they are only following official government policy regarding “abstinence as the only viable way to prevent STDs“.

Well the bad news for the proud virgins is that, on top of not getting laid, they do catch sexually-transmitted diseases, as shown by a recent study of the sex lives of 12,000 US adolescents .

How can you catch an STD while — allegedly — not having sex?

Well, that’s the miracle of statistics (and hypocritical bigotry):

The data was gathered from young people aged 12 to 18 who were questioned again six years later.

According to the study, the STD rates were:

Whites who pledged virginity 2.8% - did not 3.5%

Blacks: pledgers 18.1% - non-pledgers 20.3%

Asians: pledgers 10.5% - non-pledgers 5.6%

Hispanics: pledgers 6.7% - non-pledgers 8.6%

The study’s authors say that from a statistical point of view, the rates are the same for both groups.

Source: BBC News, World Edition

The explanation for these numbers does not take a genius or a statistician to figure out:

A good number of those teenager who had hastily claimed they’d never consider doing such icky sticky things, must have quickly changed their mind, once the acne wore out and they found out they actually could get a date… And when it got there, I guess it was too late to consider trading Sunday School for Sex-Ed…

Hence proving once more what most experts have been saying all along: shunning sex-ed in favor of abstinence campaigns is not only gonna produce more morbidly stuck-up conservative morons, it will also help spreading AIDS and other STDs.

Lets start my new blog out with some of my crazy political ideology.

You know, for all my left-wing political hysteria and the incredible amount of time I spend complaining about the state of democracy in the world, I am not much of a conspiracy theorist. I do not believe in that big evil masterplan to keep us all under control.

If anything, I am a strong proponent of the old “Never attribute to malice, what can easily be explained by stupidity” adage… Greed and stupidity, to be exact. And certainly many overt collusions between groups of scary individuals with similar interests. But no international cabal to hide the truth about alien abductions and the enslavement of poorer nations.

Just. Plain. Stupidity.

Yet, some times I can’t help but wonder. Especially when I wake up, have a look at the triumvirat that now presides over the United States of Earth, and realize they all play for the same team…

See, it all started with our beloved Consul, Supreme Commander of the Armies, followed by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, to be finally joined in their fight for the Greater Good by none other than the Grand Inquisitor of Our Holy Mother Church himself. That sure is quite a powerful trio we got here…

You might be unsure as to how that last one ties in with the first two. Allow me to give you a few pointers, plucked from recent news:

1. In June 2004, in the heat of US presidential election, Mr. Ratzinger took a direct stand regarding the very political issue of giving Communion to pro-choice politicians (such as, you know, a certain catholic pro-choice presidential candidate).
2. Ever since, Mr. Bush has met with every single US cardinal-electors for a friendly chat by the fireplace (many times, in fact).
3. On April 19th 2005, Mr. Ratzinger was elected to the highest rank in the Catholic Church hierarchy, in what has to be among the shortest conclaves ever (nothing unheard of, but well below average, we’ll say).

You join your own dots. Or you call me crazy. I don’t care: I’ll be busy looking for a desert island somewhere in the Indian ocean…

I now christen this page "Crazy River: Deux", it's good to be here. However I would like to say that the content that will displayed on this page will be not only my writing but the work of others that I've taken a liking to or maybe just some stuff I thought was cool. Don't be a douche' about it. All content is intellectual property of it's original owners in any way shape or form despite an exemption or lack of content listing or works cited, biaches.